I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
