I just googled if crying burns calories
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
