there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
