my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
