The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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