OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
