Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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