If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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