Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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