So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
