Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
