i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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