im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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