420 ftw
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm jealous of your bromance
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
