Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
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