Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
