i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
