you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
