im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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