she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
