girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
