You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
