True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
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We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
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New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.