Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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