Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
