Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
