I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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