he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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