Your dad touched me again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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