I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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