1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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