I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
