the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
