I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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