dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
