i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
