she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
