I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
