I wish I could punch you in the face.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
