now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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