my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
