I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Pants are for mortals
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
