Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
