So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
