when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
