I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize