Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
