Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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