I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it because I queefed?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
