Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
