i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
