Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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