We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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