I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
