1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone came in the potted fern
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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