Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
