You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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