She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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